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Search Results 0 to 15 of about 16 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Oct 31, 2012 7:00pm PDT
to vote for? well, according to a new report on, women vote based on their oflation cycle. (laughter) the study says that when single women are ovulatting they feel sexier and therefore lean more toward liberal attitudes on abortion and marriage equality. which is why instead of e-mails, obama is just sending late night texts that say "you up? folks. -- (applause) that makes him the commander in booty calls. folks, i think this study is bull. and cnn knows it because they pulled the article saying it did not meet their editorial standards. damn straight. this study is offensive. all women are like mindless hormone zombies following pheromone trails like so many worker ants to the poles? no, come on, it's the 21st century. women don't make decisions based on what's down here. they make decision on what's up here. the shape of their skulls, okay. (laughter) you see phrenology tells us that if women lack a prominent occipital ridge, okay, right across this area, that means they eschew causality, a propensity seen here in the skull of this octoroon murderer. okay, now of cours
Comedy Central
Nov 5, 2012 11:30pm PST
cable news has done since the 6 part cnn series bears, do they [bleep] in the woods. (applause) turns out, turn out-- turn out the vote is particularly crucial for obama because while polls show him ahead of mitt romney among registered voters, among likely voters they're tied. although among unlikely voters they're both being beaten by a honey boo boo marathon. now ot bama campaign needs to get those registered voters to become likely voters. and folks, they have a secret weapon to do it. according to a "the new yorker" article on the obama campaign, the best way to mobilize voters, they discovered, is through shame. something catholics have known for centuries. that's why jesus keeps getting re-elected. a 2006 study found that get out the vote fliers using shame and guilt increased turnout by as much as 8 points. so the campaigns are using data mining to learn everything they can to shame march to you the polls. for instance they know whether voters have visited pornography web sites, have homes in foreclosure, are more prone to drink michelob ultra than core ono or have gay friends
Comedy Central
Nov 19, 2012 10:30am PST
these days, folks, i spend my afternoons plopped on the couch in the housecoat watching cnn with a virginia slim in one hand and a box of the after ace in the other. this story has got everything. a decorated war hero homeowners america's spymaster. has an affair with his own sexy biographer who thinks that the spymaster with another biographer. she sends an e mame from a second e-mail and saying step out bitch. and the second haughty and contacts her friend f.b.i. agent who launches an investigation but he sexed her a shirtless photo. >> meanwhile the spymaster's protege also a general have sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. this is isn't a love triangle it's a love pentagon >> i got to say after that, it gets a little far-fetched. i mean, all of a sudden the second woman has an emotionally trouble identicaltw and both the spymaster write letters of support for her twin sister's custody battle with the ex. listen to the name they came up with for him. >> grayson wolf. >> we don't have a picture of him. just put up a visual approximation. that's right. it's not believable anymor
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 1:00pm PST
of obama's victory and resurgence was everywhere post debate, msnbc no longer seemed suicidal. cnn, of course, looked to be shooting a virtual dick in a box video, and... [applause] of course, fox news, well... >> and the questions, there were 11 of them. six were clear pro-obama. >> they were softballs. >> topics we haven't heard much about. >> three extra minutes for obama. >> moderators in these debates should be part of the furniture. >> did she assist the president? >> mid-sentence to fact check him. >> the that's the worst debate moderation. >> what the heck is that about. >> jon: no, no, no, don't help them. just let them cry themselves to sleep. [laughter] the only way they'll learn. we'll be right back. gó-x4$ jon jon welcome back. now obviously the debates are utterly overable id by the media. each network spending countless post-debate hours with pundits and body language experts and scientists using whatever the hell that is on that guy's face. it made us think here at "the daily show," why can't we get in on some of that sweet, sweet action? john oliver joins us. john
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 11:30pm PST
, the colbert report is ready to project that cnn has projected that animal planet has predicted that the winner of the 2012 presidential election is barack obama. [crowd cheering] >> stephen: yes, ladies and gentlemen. yes, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i did read that well. america has elected its first black president for an historic first second time. of course obama, of course let's remember, obama is only half black. it is possible in his second term he will be white. at this point, i think he owes that to us. frankly folks, i'm stunned, i really thought romney would win. now i'll never get to see the inaugural ball and his first dance with refalca. at last, my love ♪ has come along ♪ fine america, it's your funeral. we tried to warn you about this guy. a multimedia empire tell you he was a media hating social loving anti-wealth redistributor who was probably lying about his birth place and his religion. why did we pull our punches. i tell you what. we job creators are not going to take it. we are going golfing. just like an ayn rand at last -- haatlas shugged and leave you on an i
Comedy Central
Nov 15, 2012 11:30pm PST
know plopped on the couch in the housecoat, watching cnn with a virginia slim in bon hand and a box of after 8s in the other. i don't care if the news goes straight to my himself. it is me time. this story has got everything-- a decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who senses the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend, so she sends an e-mail from a secret account saying step off or i will cut, biatch. and the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, f.b.i. agent, who launches an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. the spy mastery protege, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. this isn't just a love triangle, information. it's a love pentagon. ( cheers and applause ). i gotta say-- i gotta say, after that, it gets a little farfetched. i mean, all of a sudden, the second woman hans emotionally troubled identical twin. and both the spy mast expert general write letters of support for the twin sister's custody battle with her econclusion? oh, and listen to
Search Results 0 to 15 of about 16 (some duplicates have been removed)